What’s your IQ? No, this is a serious question. Have you been asked that before? Probably not, because it’s quite a rude question. Almost as rude as asking someone what they do for a living at a party.
No one wants to talk about work at a party. No one wants to sum up their entire life by sharing their occupation. Share your interests. Share what’s got you fired up.
Let’s change it up. What is your emotional IQ? Did you even bat an eyelash? Doesn’t this question seems to be safer somehow?
Asking someone what their IQ is a status game. It’s a devilish question that leaves the person uneasy, unfairly come for, and treated poorly.
Asking someone about their emotional IQ leads to fun interactions, empathy building conversations, and opportunities to connect.
“Proximity functions as a connective drug. Get close, and our tendency to connect lights up.” – Coyle
The next time you’re at a party, share your interests. Be enthusiastic. Ask people about their interests. Build both your emotional IQs by being interested in other people’s lives.
“Collective intelligence is not that different in some ways than apes in a forest. One ape is enthusiastic, and that signal recruits others, and they jump in and start doing stuff together. That’s the way group intelligence works, and this is what people don’t get. Just hearing something said rarely results in a change in behavior. They’re just words. When we see people in our peer group play with an idea, our behavior changes. That’s how intelligence is created. That’s how culture is created.” – Coyle
Did this post make you think differently about how you conduct better conversations at parties? Think I’m full of hot air? Contact me, I’d love to hear about it!
Today I finished reading “The Culture Code” by Daniel Coyle. This is the third book I’ve read about prioritizing psychological safety to create a team that outperforms all others.
This book was well written and very easy to read. I would recommend this book to anyone who is leading a team that needs some feedback on how to successfully collaborate.
Coyle starts the book with this wonderful quote:
We are solidly connected. The group succeeds not because they are smarter but because they are safer. – Coyle
So how do you know if your team is safe? Luckily Coyle provides a list:
Team performance is driven by five measurable factors:
– Everyone in the group talks and listens in roughly equal measure, keeping contributions short.
– Members maintain high levels of eye contact, and their conversations and gesture are energetic
– Members communicate directly with one another, not just with the team leader
– Members carry on back-channel or side conversations within the team
– Members periodically break, go exploring outside the team, and bring information back to share with others
When I read this checklist I mentally checked my groups against it. Was I doing everything I could to make sure that everyone in my band talks and listens in equal measure? Was I making sure that the members in the Hawaii App Developers meetup communicate directly with one another? Can they carry back-channel or side conversations in the team?
I can say yes to a few items on this list but there’s a lot I need to work on. Going full circle, the only way to achieve this kind of idealized communication framework is to ensure the safety of the group.
As the leader, it is your responsibility to make your members feel safe. Only once they feel safe can you begin to expect the frequency and quality of communication required to establish the culture your team deserves.
Contact me if you have any questions!